Ultimate Guide on Setting Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Have you ever felt sick to your stomach, intense anxiety or a wave of guilt when you said no to someone? Setting boundaries and communicating what we are okay with and what we are not can be deeply uncomfortable. We are essentially teaching others how we want to be treated, and in relationships this can trigger deep seated fears we may not even be aware of.

What Stops Us From Setting Boundaries

Fear of rejection or abandonment

At the core of this fear is a basic human survival instinct. Historically, being rejected by the tribe meant isolation and isolation meant death. While we live in a very different world now, that ancient fear still lives in our nervous system. Our brains are wired for connection and belonging and setting a boundary can trigger the fear that we’ll be cast out.

Fear of losing relationships

This is a very common fear, especially when we're dealing with people we care about. We worry that expressing what is acceptable and what is not might damage the relationship or even cause it to end. As a result, we often choose to keep the peace and avoid conflict, even at the expense of our personal needs.

Fear of conflict

If you grew up in a household where disagreements or speaking up for yourself usually lead to yelling and arguments, or the opposite, people punished you by giving you the silent treatment and acting cold, then the thought of setting boundaries can feel threatening. So now, even when something doesn’t feel right, you might stay quiet as it feels safer than to risk upsetting someone.

Fear of being seen as selfish or difficult

When you choose to prioritise your own needs, it can lead to second-guessing yourself and wondering if you're being selfish. The word ‘selfish’ often carries a bad reputation, but sometimes a healthy dose of it is necessary to keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically safe and sane. In this case, what people often call selfishness is actually self-care.

Boundaries only become selfish when they’re about controlling others or come across as ultimatums. For example, saying "If you don't do what I want, I’m leaving" is not a boundary, it’s a threat. But saying "I need to leave by 5pm because I have other commitments" is a healthy boundary. It’s clear, respectful and about protecting your time and energy not manipulating someone else.

Now that you know the common fears that come up when setting boundaries, let’s talk about what it might be costing you to keep giving in to them.

The Cost Of NOT Setting Boundaries

Since boundaries are about honouring your own needs and wants, when you consistently override them by putting others first out of fear, you're sending yourself a message that your needs don’t matter as much as theirs. That’s called self-abandonment.

Going against yourself just to keep other people comfortable eventually will take a toll on your self-worth. It becomes difficult to feel truly worthy or confident when your needs are ignored and pushed aside. In addition, all those small or big moments of self-sacrifice build up over time and you find yourself feeling taken for granted, unseen or even used. That’s when resentment starts to grow not just towards others, but also towards yourself for not speaking up sooner.

As you can see, there’s not much to gain in the long run by constantly putting yourself after others. In the short term, you might keep the peace and avoid conflict or disapproval but the price you pay is your self-worth and self-respect.

How To Set Boundaries Even If It’s Uncomfortable

To learn how to set boundaries, you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable. There’s no getting around it. In fact, that uneasy feeling is part of the growth process and it means you’re doing something unfamiliar and stepping outside your comfort zone. You have to be willing to feel the guilt, the fear, the anxiety and take action anyway. The truth is, the only way to reduce those feelings and make the uncomfortable feel more manageable is by practising the very thing that causes the discomfort. In this case, it’s setting boundaries, saying no when you mean no. And with practice, it gets easier.

You also need to be willing to accept that your new boundaries might upset people and won’t be received favourably and that is ok. Other people’s reaction is not your responsibility and this is something you really need to learn to come to terms with.

With that said, this is not black and white. Boundaries can be fluid and open to negotiation, especially in close relationships. But the main idea is to practice advocating for your needs and wants without living in fear of the consequences.

What can really help you build up the courage to set boundaries with people you're not as emotionally close to, like a colleague, an acquaintance or a casual friend. These situations usually feel easier to start with because there’s less emotional pressure and the relationship doesn’t hold as much weight in your life. Once you’ve built some confidence in these low-pressure situations, it becomes easier to set boundaries with people you have deeper connections with, like a partner, parent or close friend.

Step-by-step Process To Set Boundaries

Now that we've covered the emotional side of boundary-setting, here are the steps to start putting that understanding into practice.

Step 1. Decide on the boundary.For example, maybe a family member keeps complaining to you about another relative you actually have a good relationship with and you’ve been caught in the middle. You decide that from now on, you’re not willing to listen to their complaints and would prefer to be left out of it.

Step 2. Imagine having the conversation and let any fear or discomfort come up in your body.Ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? Then acknowledge that it might happen and just sit with the feeling for a moment. For example, they might stop talking to you or the relationship might become strained.

Step 3. Remind yourself why this boundary matters.Think about what it’s costing you to keep things as they are. In this case, if you keep listening to their complaints, you might start feeling like you’re betraying the other person they’re complaining about. It might be causing you unnecessary stress, overthinking or even sleepless nights because you care about both people and don’t want to hurt either one. But in reality, you’re the one being hurt as you are losing time and energy that could be spent on yourself or your own family.

Step 4. Communicate the boundary with respect and kindness.Try not to overexplain or feel like you have to justify your decision. You could say something like, “I’d like to ask you to please stop involving me in what’s going on between you and X. I care about you both, but it’s putting me in an uncomfortable position and it’s taking a toll on me.” Or you could say, “I just want to let you know that I’m no longer willing to be involved in this situation and I’d prefer to stay out of it. Thanks for understanding.”You may need to repeat this boundary a few times before it really sinks in. If someone is used to having things go their way, it might take them some time to adjust to your new way of being.

Step 5. Notice how they respond and remind yourself that their reaction is not your responsibility.If you’ve expressed yourself with clarity and kindness, you’ve done your part. If they continue to ignore your boundary, it’s now up to you to decide how much time, energy and emotional investment this relationship deserves moving forward.

Step 6. Celebrate yourself.

Congratulations! You just faced your fears and took a meaningful step - small or large - towards strengthening your self-worth and building your confidence to communicate your limits without guilt.

If you’ve struggled to set boundaries or often find yourself putting others first, counselling can be a really valuable support. It gives you space to explore and understand what’s behind the guilt, fear, or discomfort, and helps you build the confidence and tools to express your needs clearly and respectfully.